Fresh Baked

Official.

2006-02-06T21:52:00.000-08:00

This blog has ended. Go now in peace to love and serve the world.

Kidney Punch

2005-11-28T22:37:00.000-08:00

True Colors-- Cyndi Lauper (feat. Sarah McLachlan)
Crazy-- Alanis Morissette
Because of You-- Kelly Clarkson
Hide and Seek-- Imogen Heap
Scar-- Missy Higgins
Basement Apt.-- Sarah Harmer
Closer to You-- Brandi Carlile
Suddenly I See-- KT Tunstall
Consequence Free-- Great Big Sea
All These Things I've Done-- The Killers
My Humps-- Black Eyed Peas
Blingity Bling-- Suburban Legends
Perfect Situation-- Weezer
XO-- Fall Out Boy
Devil in Jersey City-- Coheed & Cambria
Evenflow-- Pearl Jam

I Am Thankful for My Thinker

2005-11-25T23:57:00.000-08:00

Fig. 1: How to thaw a pumkin pie.

FYI: this was an individual pie-- out of the 'shipper' it's meant to be removed. It's kinda like the old popcorn bags that told you to take it out of the wrapper only after you took it out of the wrapper.

FYI (part the second): I am thankful for many other things as well.

Whammy!

2005-11-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

For October, just catching up...

Footloose-- Kenny Loggins
Babysittin' Blues-- Elisabeth Shue
Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood-- Santa Esmerelda
Love Is a Battlefield - Pat Benetar
Total Eclipse of the Heart-- Bonnie Tyler
What A Feeling-- Irene Cara
Canned Heat-- Jamiroquai
Heaven Must be Missing An Angel-- Tavares
Bohemian Rhapsody-- Queen
Little Bitty Pissant Country Place-- Dolly Parton
The Shoop Shoop Song (It's In His Kiss)-- Cher
East Bound and Down-- Jerry Reed
Neverending Story-- Limahl
In My Life-- Chantal Kreviazuk
Let My Love Open the Door-- Pete Townshend
In Your Eyes-- Peter Gabriel
Let Go-- Frou Frou
Thank You for Being A Friend-- Golden Girls

Is It Hot in Here?

2005-11-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

With a change of address came a change of poling place: the local firestation. Yeah. It's safe to bet that I won't ever miss another chance to vote.

Aye, Aye Captain!

2005-11-06T20:19:00.000-08:00

So I got this job and in a word, it is AWESOME. I work in a grocery store making signs for their products-- I go in, see a sign that I think is ugly, take it down and make another, prettier, one. To me, this is fantastic because I get to make fancy letters all day long. Except of course, last week, when I got to make a gingerbread house. I know! I was paid to make a gingerbread house! I work in a fairy land.

It's been about a month almost and I'm still waiting for a catch. I'm sure there has to be one, lurking and waiting to snap at me. But so far, nothing seems bad. Thanks for all the good 'get-a-job' vibes that were sent-- ya'll vibed me up a great one.

Snooze v. News

2005-10-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

When we last left our heroine, she was but a lying, unemployed fool. So much has changed since then. Here's the latest update:

Snoozing:
Obsession: Cheez-Its
Employment: None
School: Tear-my-hear-out-classes
Phantom Leg Pains: Present, unaccounted for.
Dem & Leo: Single, with intent to wed
My breasts: Safely tucked away

Noozing:
Obsession: Law& Order (SVU, primarily)
Employment: Lettering and Liking It
School: Tear-my-hear-out-classes, but I added one more.
Phantom Leg Pains: Gone. Just up and disappeared!
Dem & Leo: Done gone and weddded.
My breasts: Hello, girls!

More words will follow, but I feel this sums it up for now.

James Has An Aquarium

2005-10-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

She's a Bad Mama Jama (She's Built, She's Stacked) - Carl Carlton
Girlfight - Brook Valentine feat. Big Boi and Lil Jon
Trees - Lovehammers (Marty Casey)
Don't Cha - Pussycat Dolls feat Busta Rhymes
The Comeback - Shout Out Louds
1, 2, Step - Ciara feat. Missy Elliot
Alone Again Or - Calexico
Don't Lie - Black Eyed Peas
Pon De Replay - Rhianna
4ever - The Veronicas
Captain America - Moe.
Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn (Take It Back to Square One) - Hellogoodbye
These Words - Natasha Bedingfield
Keep On Breathing - Delgados
Baby Girl - Sugarland
Walking on Broken Glass - Annie Lennox
Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
Beautiful Enemy - Dar Williams
Stitched Up - Herbie Hancock feat John Mayer
Almost - Sarah Harmer
Better After All - Jonatha Brooke

**For the record: I did have this done in September, yes sir, and for sure. I just couldn't figure out how to arrange it all and then it took me a while to accept that Stevie Wonder didn't actually sing Bad Mama Jamma. Who knew?

Liar!

2005-09-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was at a bridal shower and for no reason whatsoever, I told lies the whole time. They weren't big lies or hurtful, but little fake answers I was coming up with to questions, like I would normally do at a bar when there are shiny guys asking the questions and not nice ladies with embroidered sweater vests. It was fun, and I'm not planning on stopping it any time soon.

OR AM I?

Scratch and Sniff

2005-09-13T13:09:00.000-07:00

So I did the presentation for my Febreze project yesterday. All quarter I have been dreading this and I was able to work myself into a pretty good frenzy by 4:00. For example? During a run-through with Eia, I started crying. I pretty much continued in that direction until we got to the ad agency where I took a nervous trip to the bathroom. In the first stall, there was no toilet paper and my immediate thought was This guy will stop at nothing to fuck with us! And then I caught myself thinking this insane thought and realized I had hit a point where, if I couldn't snap out of it, my head would explode and how can you give a presentation without a head? You can't! That helped me calm down a lot.

There were a few moments after that when I was seized with terror that I hadn't memorized my spiel and I would make a frantic run-through on my notes but the immortal words of Missy Pantone came to mind and I knew: If I don't have it already, I don't have it. Don't let anyone tell you that TV never taught you anything.

As for my presentation, my teacher's colleagues didn't really like my campaign, but they didn't not like it either. I really couldn't tell you because everything was like "Blah, blah, blah, Ginger" when they were talking to me. I do know that they all liked my fancy-folding brochure and that I made a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air joke, but I'm still not sure where it came from. File under: Oh well! because I can just put the whole thing to bed now. Weee!

My Summer Vacation

2005-09-12T00:04:00.000-07:00

What I have been doing the last few weeks:

- Becoming and being unemployed.
- Developing an unnatural Cheez-It habit.

- Going to Tahoe for the Very! First! Omega wedding!
- Cashing in on those many sleep hours I lost.

- Cutting out decorative penii and silk screening a most fabulous shirt for Dem's bachelorette party in Vegas.
- Partying like a damn rock star at said bachelorette.

- Spending a rough 20 hours addressing 150 wedding invitation envelopes in one night when, seriously, I had an entire month do do them.
- Recognizing Mike Adamle's voice in about 5.3 seconds on Battle of the Network Reality Stars because I watched American Gladiators that much.
- Obsessing about the presentation I have to do tomorrow in front of my classmates, teacher, and all of my teacher's ad-exec co-workers. Yipe!
- Thinking about the drink I'm going to order when the presentation is done and we all go out to a bar.

What I have not been doing:

- Updating my blog.
- Keeping up with anybody elses' (with the exception of the fascinating postsecret, which I consider research for a school project).

- Enjoying my tattoo (I suspect the reason it didn't hurt was because the man wasn't actually pushing the needle into my skin deep enough).
- Hiding the crepe paper from the lady in charge of decorations at the Tahoe wedding, because it was a wedding, not an egg hunt or 5 year old's birthday. It wasn't me, nope, no sir.
- Enjoying a sausage and egg bagel from Subway.
- Receiving a Vegas lap dance from a man who apparently wraps his wang with an Ace bandage.
- Being a responsible dogsitter. (During the marathon calligraphy episode, I had to have my brother, my Number One Designated Sleeper, do me the favor of watching the dog for the night.)
- Putting down the Cheez-Its for the past 15 minutes. BBQ! Scrum!

Mi Scuzi

2005-09-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

There is an update coming soon, but I only have the next 24 hours to address 150 envelopes. Doesn't that sound like I have a whole lot of time? It's not. Stupid European addresses.

Wild Horse

2005-08-26T00:39:00.000-07:00

Inked-- Theme Song
Helena-- My Chemical Romance
Right Here-- Staind
Sugar, We're Goin Down-- Fall Out Boy
Top of the World-- All-American Rejects
Tune Out-- The Format
Saints and Sinners-- Paddy Casey
You Dance-- Eastmountainsouth
Listen To Your Heart-- D.H.T.
Lets Do It-- Joan Jett and Paul Westerberg
Good Old Fashioned Loverboy-- Queen
Brass in Pocket-- The Pretenders
Kicking the Heart Out-- Rogue Wave
Life Is Short-- Butterfly Boucher
Gone, Going-- Black Eyed Peas feat. Jack Johnson
I'm A Worried Man-- Willie Nelson feat. Toots Hibbert
Love Is the Seventh Wave-The Arch of Abundant Love-- The Duhks
Have You Seen My Love-- Rosie Thomas
Happy-- Brandi Carlile
Dream Big-- Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband
Now that I Know-- Shannon McNally
In Spite of All the Damage-- Be Good Tanyas

Le Poo (A Post in Which I Whine More Than I'm Proud to Acknowledge)

2005-08-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

Mondays have been kind of long days for me this quarter. I work in the morning and then have class in the afternoon and again in the evening. My evening class is with the tyrant teacher who wants people to drop and after yesterday's midterm grades went out? More did! We now have only 10 people in the class which started with, oh, 26?

I have the dubious pleasure of having an A- in that class, a grade I suspect he didn't give out to too many people, which, yay! but, also, crap. Now people in my class hate me. And despite knowing that these people should just work harder and do something other than take it out on me, I feel guilty. And also that somehow it might be a fluke. And that it's going to be very hard to maintain because I will either fall asleep, never to rise again for the rest of the quarter, or go nuts trying to out-think myself.

Let me see if I can explain this without boring the crap out of you... I have to design a campaign for Febreze. (We picked our products out of a hat on the first day and I really almost threw up after seeing what I would be working with for the entirety of the quarter.) So far, we've done print ads and billboards and are working on brochures and point-of-purchase plans. Each week, we meet with him and present 3 ideas for whatever stage we're on and he either approves one or sends you back with an assignment to help you get better ideas. You have that night to complete the assignment so that you can have an email for him by the time he gets to work the next morning to approve or send you out again to do something else until you get it right.

Last week, he liked two of my ideas. Joy! Good thinking! Plus? Twice the work! And the end result was not going to bed until about 4am to get up for work at 7 and start the aforementioned long Monday. And then in class last night, after a little sweet success, he shut down all my ideas for our new project-- and assigned me to walk around a grocery store for an hour looking for inspiration. So, since we got out of class an hour early, I decided to go then.

Only, well, there were these nails, see? And somehow, they wound up in my tire? And that let all the air out? So, Nails + Tire - Air = Crap, flat tire. Which all got sorted out with minimal fanfare and now I can't drive over 60 and sure, that'll last. But then, poof! It was 10. And I was tired. And still had to go to the store or suffer the wrath. Le poo, y'all. For an hour because I'm too chicken to lie to him if he asks if I really was there for an hour. And I left having only one idea that was worth anything and another just to show how hard-working I am, even though it was pure crap. I received an email from him 20 minutes ago. He liked my ideas-- do them both and have them ready for next Monday.

I am on a fucking loop, people.

Also: I just realized that I have only mentioned the teachers I have called names, either to their faces or behind their tyrannical backs. That's really only 3 out of the 15 or so that I've had. I do get along with people, honest I do.

Also, also: I would be remiss if I didn't say thank you to Bunny for the Jolt energy gum. I thought it was a total gimmick, but no. Zip-zing! That shit works!

Also, also, again: It turns out that the whole 'try not to bore the crap out of you' idea was a total lie. Whoops! Sorry!

Résumé Builder

2005-08-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

So I quit my job. Actually, this is the second time I've quit my job, but the first time (a few months ago) I was told that my resignation wasn't going to be accepted. This time, I got it in writing and it's put me into really exciting and scary territory-- in three weeks, I'm unemployed. Yikes.

As much as I'm concerned about my future, I'm fairly comfortable with the situation. I knew I had to get out of my office and into the field I'm pursuing in school. It was never going to be easy, and I knew that as well. But my family and friends have all been very supportive of this decision, believing in me and telling me they know I'll be successful, and that makes it so much easier. Of course, they, like I, had hoped I would have another job to get into as soon as I'm finished here, so everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that I find something soon.

Or, if you would like, you can hire me out yourownself for the following positions:

I also excel at misspelling words, reciting obscure movie quotes, and maintaining a collection of playing cards that will rival any casino (provided its a really, really small casino).

Interested parties may contact me directly for any of the above.

Don't Stop, Get it, Get it

2005-08-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

Guess what I got last weekend?! A tattooooo (it means poem and art in ooooold Irish). It was surprisingly not as painful as I expected it to be, or really all that painful at all. A few times, I busted out with a bit of the Gorillaz' to take my mind away from the itchy feeling that I was getting, but that was about it. And I came with support, too. Eia and Dem were on either side of me-- Eia totally prepared to let me squeeze the everloving hell out of her hand because, hello needles, meet my foot; and Dem on the other side prepared to keep talking through the whole thing because, hello needles! Meet my foot! A lot of times. The talking helped, but Eia's hand remains unscathed.

Afterward, we went to dinner with Leo and Jack and it was yummy! And I got presents! And singing! And cookies with candles because... happy Birthday to meeeeeee!

Good On Photoshop

2005-07-31T18:51:00.000-07:00

If I Could-- Phish feat. Alison Krauss
Brighter than Sunshine-- Aqualung
I Drove All Night-- Cyndi Lauper
Eye of the Tiger-- Paul Anka
Daisies and Roses-- Burlap to Cashmere
Flowers in the Window-- Travis
Special-- Wilshire
Tumbling After-- Starfield
Can't Hardly Wait-- The Replacements
Nice Thing-- Stretch Princess
Get Up-- Superchick
Some Days-- Wheat
Educated Fool-- Vagenius
Cool-- Gwen Stefani
Balance Beam-- Blue October
So Jealous-- Tegan and Sara
Where's Me Jumper?-- Sultans of Ping F.C.
Pressure Drop-- The Specials
Casa Nova-- Mia Doi Todd
Let's Dance With Me-- Party Ben (Hot Hot Heat v. David Bowie)
Feel Good Inc.-- Gorillaz

Apoplexy, Party of One

2005-07-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

Excitement, too great. Must. Sit Down.

S'Good.

2005-07-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

I've been having a couple good days lately. A teacher who promised to make us cry by the end of the quarter (for which I'm an easy target) and who is proud of the fact that he is getting students to drop the class one by one liked what I had to show him on Monday. I was so nervous going into class that night, and I came out feeling like a hero. Yay! Plus, rumor has it that if he likes you in the beginning he'll like you all the way through... I'm not holding my breath on that one, but my fingers are crossed a little. And my teacher was out for yesterday's class so A) no class! and B) I had the director of the program look at what I was working on and she liked it. So, you know... another load off.

And, because I like to spend my free time being a nerd, I went to the library. As I was walking out with my maximum number of checked out items, debating whether or not I should get coffee, Annie called me to tell her that Scooter brought extra Starby's to her during her class and would I like one? Wheee!! Next time, I'm going to think about robbing a bank and hope to come across a blank check or something equally free money-ish. Hope the rest of you are having just as much, if not more, luck than I am.

**Totally forgot to mention that, Starby whore I am, when I got my coffee this morning I requested it without whipped cream. I was tempted to be annoyed when I got it with, but was secretly excited-- special treats for me! As Eia said when I told her, "You were trying to be good and then God said, "Give that girl some sugar!"" Gimme some sugar, indeed.

I'll Take an Order of Size 10s With an Extra Side of Guilt, Please

2005-07-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

In class on Monday, we were asked to bring in a few ads and after each of us talked about them a bit, our teacher asked us where we pulled them from. Most replies were along the Rolling Stone, Cosmo, Maxim lines, but one girl-- who had annoyed me on the first day by talking incessantly about Disneyland, FYI-- responded by saying "I found it in my mom's bathroom." Riiiiight. And a little ew.

So last night I had class with some of the same people from that class and we were laughing at all the silly things that people had said when I decided that I needed to repeat what Disneygirl said. I checked out the room, made sure she wasn't there, and did a complete mimic of what she'd said, including using her high-pitched, whiney voice. Hey, guess what? You know how I didn't see her in class? Yeah, that was because she was standing directly behind me. I am such an asshole. Wanna be my friend?

Does Anyone Want A Prize?

2005-07-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying it's a good one, I'm just saying I have prizes for anyone who says they want one.

Say Hello.

2005-07-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

This is Magna. (Secretly, I call her Magma because I think she's liquid hot.)

Eia brought her home after Magna had served her time in lost and found. At first, I was skeptical because I've had all the bike-related injuries I want, but she's so pretty! I couldn't resist for long. So in the evenings, Magna and I take a trip around the block to get the mail and spy on the neighbors. Maybe one day I'll take her out onto the main street, but I don't think we're ready for that yet. I have high hopes for us though, and think we're going to get along splendidly, if only because she matches my shoes so well.

Egg Salad, PB&J, Turkey on Whole Wheat

2005-07-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent a long time thinking about how much it would stink if your name was Sal Yours.

"Who does this sandwich belong to?"
"Sal Yours."

And then he would eat it all gone. Sorry, Sal.

Sometimes I think I'm so funny when I come up with these ideas, but mostly, I just think its a sign that I need to go take a nap.

My Subconscious Can Beat Up Your Subconscious (But Wouldn't Because It's Too Good Willed)

2005-07-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I had one of the more interesting dreams I've had in a while-- mostly because I actually remembered it and not because there were no flying apes or intergalactic automobiles involved. Everything seemed well within the realm of possibility and therefore, kinda freaked me out. The scenario:

I was at some kind of formal event-- a reception of some kind where everyone was very nice and polite with the exception of myself who was feeling rather glib and flippant about the whole thing. At some point, I picked up a phone message from a man who was the Minister of (oops, don't remember this part... some country... or perhaps the Minister of Magic?) and wanted to speak to me about how proud of me and grateful he was that I would be meeting with the German refuges the next day. Apparently, I was doing great things. He finished up his message by saying that he didn't know what my plans were, but he had arranged a scholarship for me to get my jurisprudence degree at the university of my choice. Immediately, randomly, I found the girl I had hated in 5th grade and rubbed it in.

So, while, yes, technically, this was all within the realm of some far off possibility, there was one point that stood out as completely random: I used the word jurisprudence in my dream. My subconscious is now officially smarter than I give it credit for.

A Great Face for Sunglasses

2005-06-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

Surfin' USA-- Pennywise
I Want it That Way-- Dynamite Boy
High Fives-- Suburban Legends
Don't Phunk With My Heart-- Black Eyed Peas
Switch-- Will Smith
Signs-- Snoop Dogg Feat Charlie Wilson & Justin Timberlake
California-- Hawk Nelson
In Love With the 80's (Pink Tux to the Prom)-- Relient K
I Met A Girl-- Wheat
Wordplay-- Jason Mraz
Força-- Nelly Furtado
As Cool As I Am-- Dar Williams
Dancehall Girls-- The Duhks
Differently the Same-- Donavon Frankenreiter
Naked As We Came-- Iron & Wine
Honey and the Moon-- Joseph Arthur
Littlest Birds-- Be Good Tanyas
You and I-- The Duhks

Just A Suggestion

2005-06-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

Maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, maybe it's not really the best way to go when someone important is telling you about a phone call you're going to receive from a lady named Annette, for you to suggest that her last name be "ToCatchThingsWith."

15 Minutes in A Tube

2005-06-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

I had my MRI yesterday and it was an experience I hope I never have to go through again. It wasn't terrible, or horrible, or even really no good or very bad... I have simply come to the conclusion that I don't like being put in tubes. Also, I was somewhat bitter that I was in a tube and not enjoying a concert in New York with Dem. But really, I kinda capped it off for myself when I couldn't stop thinking about earthquakes and trying to figure out exactly how fucked I'd be if we had one while I was in there. Oh, how I'd be so very, very fucked.

Having Your A and Eating it Too

2005-06-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

I learned a lot of valuable things this quarter, but I learned none of them, or really anything, in this class...

This was the start of my final exam for one of my classes (a one page paper on what I learned). Is it any wonder why this guy gave me an A?

The Return of the Leg

2005-06-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

The pain in my leg never actually went away. It's kinda shifted to be something a little longer (up from the length of an "ow" to a whole "motherfucker" long) and somewhat more tolerable, but, as this has gone on for the past 8 months, has simply just shifted into something really, really annoying.

I've seen a few doctors (4. 4 doctors, and 1 physical therapist) and nobody seems to have an answer for me. My doctor and I were talking the other day and she laughed and said that I have a funny habit of getting these odd, undiagnosable issues. Oh yeah, hysterical. Like that one time (ha ha ha) when the bones in my foot (hee hee hee) started to separate from one another (nyuck nyuck nyuck) for no apparent reason? It was a laugh riot. And, unfortunately... she's totally right.

But there has been one thing that they all can agree on. You see, this thing happens when you're involved in sports for the better half of your life-- you build muscle. So when the neurologist is doing his smattering of tests that involve you to push your legs against him and he starts to get these little beads of sweat on his forehead? And when the physical therapist has to stop his battery to take a breath? It's apparent that that muscle isn't going to go away. So they say things like, "Heh... you're my work out today!" and "You're as strong as an ox!" And let me tell you-- right here and for free-- nothing makes a girl feel more dainty and feminine as hearing that she's as strong as an ox.

So thats the count for now. Oxen 1, Diagnoses (Diagnosii?) 0. An MRI is next-- I hope I hear that I lay like a brick or something equally attractive.

Proud Bird

2005-06-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

Omega is the brainchild of college freshman roundtable discussions at the cafeteria. While all the sororities were preparing for recruitment, we would sit and mock them and all the rushing and song singing and glitter, ohmygod, the glitter that abounded! So we formed a fake sorority where all we had to do was show up to dinner and sit at the round tables... apparently because square tables were for chumps. Or sorority girls.

And then, sophomore year, I caved. I joined a real sorority* and I loved it. Loooooved it. I mean, the rush part of it still sucked and I sang all the songs with a Cher imitation to get over it, but really, I secretly loved that, too, because I was with some of my best friends and we were all hating it together. Hate brings people together, I'm telling you. And then we'd call up the non-sorority girls and we'd all go out to the bar.

During our senior year, the real and fake sororities overlapped. Omega came on full force during the real sororities' rush with a recruitment of their own--one by one, they blindfolded us, sat us in a chair, and had someone run at us. Get it? Rush. Haaaaa. Omega is brilliant! We were given pins, t-shirts, taught the super secret handshake, and introduced to the official mascot and flower. They outlined the purpose of Omega to us, and, for the remainder of the year, we covered every aspect of 'real' sorority life-- hazing (a fabulous game called Find the Water), philanthropy (getting the real sorority ready for formals), awards (for winning make-out scavenger hunts), etc. so by the end of the year the only thing left to do was to plan our reunion. Thus was born the plan to have Memorial Day Weekend become the Official Omega Reunion Weekend, which is how I should happen to have been in Mexico for the Great Drink of '05-- the effects of which have still yet to wear off.

And yes, before anyone asks: we did make t-shirts.

*A lot of people are surprised by this fact, I won't be offended if you are too. Also, I joined much, MUCH to the chagrin of others. Eia definitely didn't approve and Dem sent me a "don't be a BSG (bitchy sorority girl)" email. Glad they finally got over that. Or did they? Dun-dun-duuuun!

In the Bottle

2005-06-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I've been drunk.

You see, I spent Memorial Day weekend in Mexico with a group of friends when the world was obviously in some kind of tailspin because not only was I able to drive us safely down, I did so with relatively no directional errors. Which is miraculous, to say the least, because I can usually get lost anywhere outside my normal 10-miles-from-my-house radius and this was several more than 10 miles outside and in an entirely different country with a different language that I don't know very well, aka: at all. So, right away I knew there was something wrong.

Also on that weekend, I did not get one single sunburn. Which... just doesn't happen. Ever. Even with spf 50. But due to the whole tailspin thing, poof! no burning! I sat for hours in the sun and remained safe.

But, the reason I knew for absolute serious that there was something different with this trip was that I suffered not one hangover. And we drank a lot. A lot, a lot. And then we had more. Like 40s for breakfast and another for lunch with a few more bottles at dinner. (Because, the way you drink a lot, see, is to drink A LOT.) And for me, this normally causes a huge hangover with the sick and grumpy and overall bad self. But not this time, boy. This time I was awake and ready for more.

It was all very weird.

So since I've been back, I've been challenging the planets by continuing to drink and successfully completing each mission sans hangover. I'll let you know how long I can keep it up-- look out for the post titled My Head Has Officially Exploded, because the day everything gets back into alignment its going to suck like nothing else.

Git Yer Dance On

2005-05-31T23:45:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Eia.

Do You Want to Dance?-- The Ramones
We're Dancing-- P.Y.T.
Dancing in the Sheets-- Shalomar
Dancing in the Moonlight-- King Harvest
Dancing in the Streets-- Martha and the Vandellas
Lets Go Dancing-- Teitur
Tiny Dancer-- Elton John
Dancing on the Ceiling-- Lionel Richie
Murder on the Dancefloor-- Sophie Ellis Bextor
Sadie Hawkins Dance-- Reliant K
We Danced Anyway-- Deana Carter
Some Days You Gotta Dance-- Dixie Chicks
Lets Dance-- Sara Evans
Dancing Queen-- ABBA
Dancing in Heaven (Orbital BeBop)-- Q-Feel
Get On The Dance Floor-- Ciara ft. Lil Jon
Dance Like This - Wyclef Jean featuring Claudette Ortiz
Dirty Dancing-- Black Eyed Peas
I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)-- Whitney Houston
Private Dancer-- Tina Turner

Honey and Vinegar

2005-05-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

A guy just came into my office and told me that I look sick or tired. I said thank you.

I left off the part where I called him an asshole.

Writing to Tell You That I'm Still Alive, No Thanks to the Woman Who Just Damn Near Killed Me With Her Left Turn

2005-05-24T21:04:00.000-07:00

And to say that I love Chipotle, who gave me a bag of chips on the house, as though THEY KNEW I had almost been killed in a car accident not 5 minutes before walking into their fine establishment.

And to say that I really need a beer.

And also to say that I am pretty fucking mad at that chick right now.

A Really Cold Fridge

2005-05-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

Upside: Cold enough that things have been there in for months and have yet to spoil.

Downside: I just had to defrost the carrots I wanted to eat.

Fun. Sun. Nun.

2005-05-17T10:46:00.000-07:00

(Okay, there were two nuns, but a plural didn't fit my rhyme.)

Meggy D was ultra surprised. At about 5:30, her cousin and our other college roommate showed up at her doorstep. Around 9:30, Bean and I arrived. Sometime around midnight, her brother and his wife got there. Seriously, she had no clue about any of it and was surprised every time. But perhaps the greatest surprise for her was the next day when two of our favorite nuns from college flew in. Tears were shed, margaritas were had, and then there was a party.

Other highlights:

-- Yes, (sadly,) I gave Meggy D the necklace and she loves it and so on. She's going to look at the website to see if there's another one that she would like more, however, and if she does? Looks like I've got me a Superhero necklace of my ownsies.

-- The last time I was out, and as any good Irish girl would do, I brought a bottle of whiskey to her parents. This time, her brother and I had a nice time sneaking into the library on Saturday night and swigging out of the bottle to make sure it was still good. It is.

-- Nuns really like body piercings. For honest they do because nuns don't lie, do they? One even said "Oh, Jesus!" when she saw the one in my ear because she thought it was so beautiful. And then they got a look at the tongue ring and tattoo. Momma D, however, has requested that I never sit next to her during meals... or probably ever.

-- It was 106 degrees on Sunday. Fahrenheit. As in hot. I am very glad to have made it back un-melted and mostly un-burned. Yay for spf 50!! (shut up.)

Superhero Jerk

2005-05-13T00:04:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am going to Phoenix since Meggy D, one of my best friends, has become an Official Interior Designer and her parents decided that, to celebrate, they would fly in her friends and family for a weekend of drinking and fun. It's going to be excellent, and she has no idea.

For her, we ordered a Superhero necklace, which I have been coveting since (oh... the second I looked at them?) about 5 months ago. In an earlier conversation we'd had, Meggy D and I had talked about how cute they were and which ones we liked an la-de-da, I ordered it for her last week and I patiently waited for the necklace to arrive because I know she will love it. (Also, I corresponded with Andrea who is just so sweet and lovely that I think everyone should buy necklaces from her.)

Only... see and here's the thing... instead of ordering the necklace Meggy wanted? I ordered the one I wanted. And now I am kinda sorta completely unwilling to part with it. So my question is-- is there anyway I can save face on this one? Can I bring a necklace with me and wear it and love it knowing it wasn't meant to be mine (while totally meant to be mine at the same time, because seriously-- I accidentally ordered the wrong one? Nuh-uh. That shit was fate.) Or do I give her a necklace that she would surely enjoy even though there is one out there that she likes more? Or do I keep the necklace hush-hush and go with an alternate gift that would be just as welcomed? Or is there a plan D available?

Shhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiit.
I've already put the necklace on. I love it. It loves me and we're running away together.

Streaming Audio

2005-05-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

Cathie Ryan, my absolute most favoritest artist (sorry Reba, Sarah and anyone else I've lead on through the years) has a new album out. You have no idea how badly I want to run to the nearest store, buy the album, and download it into my veins.

My only complaint is that she rarely makes it out to the west coast. Therefore, I challenge anyone o'er on the East to check out a show (if you dig the Irish, as you should) and tell me if its worth a travel. But really, even if you hate her, I'm going anyway.

Runaway Bride

2005-05-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

I think Dem said it best: Wow.

What A Letdown.

2005-05-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

So the thing with butt-registration? Just means that two items butt up to one another.

I know. I was disappointed, too.

But for my next question: Does anyone else think that letdown looks funny as one word?

Latte-cide

2005-05-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

If I were ever going to commit a crime, I think today would be the day. I have successfully burned the tips of my fingers on my right hand to the point where I think my fingerprints are officially gone. The good people at the Bucks prepared for me a nice hot drink this morning and sealed the lid on tightly, too. Unfortunately, it seems when you grab the cup buy the rim? The lid'll pop off and you'll be so concerned about not letting it fall that you'll hold tighter, causing more coffee to spill out; and you won't think to put it down until you're out of the car and able to walk away from it and collect yourself before you go back and deal with the mess. Like you're in a fight.

Oh, and by the way? OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Totally Tits

2005-04-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

Long awaited. Fully heat pasteurized.

Hallelujah-- Ari Hest
In the Sun-- Joseph Arthur
Verdi Cries-- 10,000 Maniacs
Colors-- Amos Lee
February-- Dar Williams
Promise-- Tracy Chapman
Don't Believe Me-- Picture House
Look What You've Done-- Jet
Home-- Michael Buble
The Weakness in Me-- Joan Armatrading
Top of the World-- Dixie Chicks
Hold On-- Sarah McLachlan
Baby Can I Hold You-- Tracy Chapman
I'm Movin' On-- Rascal Flatts
After All-- Dar Williams
Who Will Sing Me Lullabies-- Kate Rusby
Barbeque--Animal Liberation Orchestra
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots Pt. 1-- The Flaming Lips
Two Way Monologue-- Sondre Lerche
Darling Be Home Soon-- Matt Costa
Genius-- Murmers
Breathe (2am)-- Anna Nalick
Something Crazy-- Franky Perez
You're the Only One-- Ari Hest
Suspended-- Matt Nathanson
First Single-- The Format
You're the Ocean-- Teitur
Caught Up in Your Love-- Ari Hest
Kings in Castles-- Michael Tolcher
Boulevard of Broken Songs-- Party Ben
Someday-- The Afters
I'm Not Okay (I Promise)-- My Chemical Romance

It's totally tits. Comin' atcha as a pair because thats what tits do. And now seriously. Who doesn't want a hit of this mammiforous monster?

My Day Has Been Made

2005-04-26T16:08:00.000-07:00

"Do not apply trapping to your artwork, artwork should be butt-registered."

Butt-registered!

That's it. My professional goal is now to invent something- some aspect of design, simply so I can name it something that will make people giggle. Wish me luck.

ps-- I have no idea what butt-registering means.

Post Title: Juicy

2005-04-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

Friday night: Watched Envy

Minutes of my life I will never get back because of that: 100

Saturday Night: Saw Sarah McLachlan

Attended with: Eia and Dem

Last Sarah McLachlan solo tour attended: 1997

Attended with: Eia and Dem

Sarah's Love: Better than ice cream

Percent chance of rain: 60

Rain: Stared at the encore

Jodie Fosters seen at concert: 1

Jodie Fosters brushed against to prove my theory that $100 bills will fall out of her pores and into my pockets: 0 (near miss)

(Other celebs sightings in the past week: 2

Have I figured out who exactly those other two were: Not yet

Does that drive me crazy: Very much so.)

Times giggled at the 'there's no one left to finger' line of Adia: Every time I hear/think of it

Merkins and taints discussed on the 8 mile trek back to the car: With much humor (BALDerdash! Taint Offensive!)

Cars parked in an, oh, say 100 car lot: About 50-frillion

Parking staff: Rookies.

Overall: Excellent evening

Sunday: Homework. For hours and hours and more hours.

Times I've cursed Monday: Every few hours since Friday afternoon.

And I Can Feel it, Too.

2005-04-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

Scratch scratch scratch

scratch... scratch...

SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE...

scratch... scratch...

ScratchScratchScratch

SCRAPE!!

My hygienist asked me this morning, "Can you hear that? Can you hear that scratching?"

Hon? You're scraping metal against my teeth. Yes. I can hear it.

Ollie's Birthday Hates Him: A Play in 3 Parts, con't., again

2005-04-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

Part the third and last: The family birthday dinner (parenthetically heavy).

Ollie had his meal picked out, Mom had been cooking all day; we were all jazzed to get some good eats. The table, our kitchen table was expanded to seat the nine of us (Now we are 9?! Holy crap!) and lovingly set.

Annie and Scooter came over with their new puppy (whose name would be the greatest topic of discussion since we are a family who takes naming things seriously), Eia, Bunny and I returned from race tracks (up!), Ollie and Horker (serious naming going on there) were in attendance, and, of course, the padres were hosting. After a few drinks we went to the table to chow. (FYI: Any of you who have never had my mom's cooking? Sorry 'bout your luck. That shit is goooood.) And it was just after we'd all finished stuffing ourselves that it happened.

Slo-mo: I turn to look at my mom, who is starting to set her arms of the table while talking. BOOM! Out go the table legs and everything just falls toward us. Moment of shock all around and then slo-mo turns into fast forward when everyone kicks into action. Pa and I grab the end of the table to hold it up; Ollie and Scooter find something to wedge under it; everyone else starts taking stuff off the table-- glasses had fallen over; wine, beer, and water was spilled everywhere; cutlery was strewn around; in short, It. Was. AWESOME.

I'm honestly still a little stunned that the table picked that moment to crap out but I'm stoked that I got to be there; that we were all there. Even though it's been put back together and is back in use, that will be funny for a long time.

**As a sidenote... a few years ago I read an ode to a kitchen table that I can no longer remember the title of. I did like it a great deal, however, and if anyone has any idea of what I'm talking about or a source for me to search for it, I'd love to know it. Thanks.

Ollie's Birthday Hates Him: A Play in 3 Parts, con't.

2005-04-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

Part Two: The Short Lived Presents

Ollie requested a new belt for his birthday. Not really clear on his size, though-- I just know that when I hold my arms out, it measures from the base of my right index finger to somewhere beyond my left shoulder. So I went to the store on Friday night, found lots of cute things for myself and a belt for him. Done. I'm a wonderful sister.

Only, when I checked the bag on Saturday? No belt. No belt anywhere, apparently, because no belt was rung up. The hell? So I went to his birthday dinner and gave him his old belt back as a present. Haa. I eventually went back and found a better! belt than the one I'd originally selected, made damn sure that it was paid for and in the bag when I walked out. Ollie digs it. Except for the fact that it doesn't fit. Man, sometimes I suck at gift-giving.

Possibly I suck less at gift-giving than Ollie does at gift getting, however. His girlfriend gave him goldfish for his birthday and after a day with him, they all went belly up, despite his hope that they were all 'just sleeping.' No such luck.

Happy Birthday, Ollie. Have some dead fish and a belt that doesn't fit.

Following: Table talk.

Ollie's Birthday Hates Him: A Play in 3 Parts

2005-04-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

Part One: An Accidental Homage to Zoolander (A part that has nothing to do with his birthday, really, but is just too good not re-tell.)

Ollie went to fill up his car on Friday. Following normal, I'm getting gas behavior, he put in his credit card, ZIP code, and tra-la-la... gets the nozzle, flips open the gas cap and BOOM! The hose fell out of the nozzle.

The HOSE fell out of the NOZZLE. And you know there is only one way this will end: Gasoline everywhere. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go blaring from the speakers. Ollie getting drenched. (Me, wishing I were there to witness all this and laugh my ass off...) Haaaaa.

He was eventually able to cut off the gas flow and get someone to call the attendant, but man... when does that ever actually happen to people in real life?

Next up: A table, a belt, and some fishy behavior.

Like a Hurricane

2005-04-12T00:11:00.000-07:00

Here's something fun that your piercer can tell you while you're sitting in his chair, surrounded by devices that are intended to add holes to your body, resulting in various amounts of pain: Did you know it only takes 14 pounds of pressure to rip the ear from the human head?

Fortunately, at that time, it was not my ass in that chair but my friend's. I had already had my barbaric piercing done and was joyfully rolling about in my My face is on fire! stupor to actually let that one sink in until a few hours later.

Rockstar

2005-04-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

Shades courtesy of H&M, the mess of hair is all my own.

And Now for Something Completely Different

2005-04-05T17:07:00.000-07:00

In the beginning, there was school, and it was good. Then there were finals and they were fucking insane. IN-SANE. It's part of the outreach program Hell has begun to encourage visitors. And in the end? There were 5 As. 5. A. A. A. A. A. Because I? Am a damn rockstar. And that includes an A from the teacher I called a jerk and the one I told was rude and condescending. A. A. A is for Awesome because I am. To the fifth degree. LALALALALAALLAAAAAAAA!!

(There should be a sidebar here about how in the last two weeks of school I slept almost none and am in deep shit at work because of that, but... meh.)

And after I finished up getting my 5 As? I got on a plane to the Columbian District of the country where there is coffee and coke galore. And one of my best friends from college. Yay!! In DC, the Easter was had, the museums were toured, the capitol was Capitoled, the wedding was wed and the Pope died. In that order.

Missing from that line-up was a meeting with Senor Cactus and Mrs. Fish. Who are every bit as rad as I had suspected and didn't say a thing about my friggin' white ass legs or the fact that Eia and I were very late in meeting them. Yay!

Also missing from that line-up in a physical sense was an I'm-a-jerk-last-minute-cancelled meeting with Amalah. Who fell victim to a long-running wedding and whom I hope will still talk to me despite that fact.

-----------------------
More to come, but I'm afeared if I didn't post something today there would be a lynch mob after me.

Station Identification

2005-04-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

I will have a post up today that covers where I've been hiding for the past two weeks, but first:

Coleen d., sweet honey sugar pop that she is, is doing the 3-Day walk for Breast Cancer. The net proceeds will support the combined efforts of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation and National Philanthropic Trust (NPT) Breast Cancer Fund in their mission to fund access to care and find a cure for breast cancer. If you would like, you can read about it here, and if you are so inclined, donate here.

Don't Call it A Comeback

2005-04-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

I've been here for years.

I just got a little busy is all. And still am a little busy and owe a lot of people emails and comments and posts, oh my! But not right now because I am horribly behind in... oh, lets just call it 'everything' because, let's be honest, it totally is. So... update tomorrow.

I promise.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2005-03-17T08:26:00.000-08:00

An bhfuil tú ar meisce fós?

The Dirty Bits

2005-03-14T08:44:00.000-08:00

My quarter is coming to an end and it has been a really long one this time. First, I call one teacher a jerk, then I have a heart to heart with another teacher and tell him his condescending and rude. Gooooo, me! It was difficult to get through that last one and I tried to avoid it for a long time but it seems that there have been some other students complaining about him and bypassing him to go to directly to his boss so I think it was probably a wise move on my part. Baaah. At least it's over now.

Anyway, so for the next two weeks if you hear me say, "I'm doing homework" you can be pretty sure that, yes, I'm doing homework. And if I'm not doing homework? It was a lie to cover up the fact that I'm rasterbating. It is such a great way to ease the stress. Rasterbate, rasterbate, rasterbate.

How Apropos!

2005-03-11T21:43:00.000-08:00

One of things on my Top 10 Peeves list is mispronunciation. This peeve is nicely settled on several layers of irony and hypocrisy as I am horrible with my own pronunciations (which is why I don't use big words in public) and also, because I think intentional mispronunciation (and the kind where someone says something incorrectly and I point and laugh) are HYSTERICAL.

In high school, I had a near-miss with infrared (and seriously, can I get a hyphen or something in there somewhere?) moments after Playboy's Miss August 2000 had a nasty run-in with Rasputin. Had I not checked in with my friend, I would have been embarrassed, but now? I make fun.

There are a lot of examples to choose from on this, but these are my top two for today:

- Acrossed. "Pull the line acrossed the page."
- Exspecially. "I think this one is expecially annoying."

And don't even get me started with names. Learn them, people. Then say them properly-- it's rude not to, and it makes you look like a big giant ass.

But I can't be alone on this. Any mispronunciation that drive you crazy?

Damn Mom, I've Got My Headgear On!

2005-03-08T09:55:00.000-08:00

On the advice of one delightfully brilliant Dawn, I'm taking my query to the Internet. Because you guys are also delightfully brilliant.

If you were naming your ultimate frisbee team based on a 16 Candles theme, what would you name it?

Some suggestions:

The Dongs
Yanky My Wanky
Automobiiiiiiile
Farmer Ted's

And.... whatever you come up with.

**You should also visit Dawnie here and throw down to help Insanity for a Good Cause.

Hi! I Am Old.

2005-03-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

I was watching the trailer for Mr. and Mrs. Smith and said to myself, "Thats going to be a fun picture."

I need to get into my Caddy now, drive 15 miles under the speed limit, and pick up Eunice for the Early Bird supper at Denny's. You kids be good.

A Whole Lotta Awesome. Because I Feel Like It.

2005-02-28T09:24:00.000-08:00

Saturday I wore my new awesome t-shirt and many awesome things happened. Such as:

- I found $7 while doing my laundry.
- I acquired software that I was searching for
- Less than Awesome: While searching the candy aisle in the 99 Cent store for a zoo project I'm working on? I found a razor blade. Sitting on top of the piles of candy. At just the right height for little fingers to reach in and meet their doom. So I took it to the register but the woman did not care AT ALL that they could have been responsible for the chopping off of little kid's hands.
- And then, Coinstar. But part two of that awesome comes later, and possibly in guest spotlight form, because I am just not up to it.

Because that part, awesomely, took away from homework. And frankly, I'm an idiot, so all the homework I'd done on this project up till Friday was scrapped, giving me more homework I wouldn't have had if I had paid attention to directions. So yesterday when I got down to it, I was totally down. To the point that I had to set alarms for myself to shower and go to dinner. And when I came back from dinner? Down again. I owned this project. All the way until 5:30 this morning when it wouldn't print. Sonofa! It was decidedly less than awesome.

All is well now; I was able to get it printed-- and earned a "Wow, this is nice" comment from the notoriously crabby printer people. As for me? I'm totally out of it in the head.

I have what I would call Tetris-brain. Remember how after playing Tetris for hours and hours (... um, yeah... as if anyone would actually do that!) you would replay it in your head or see a building and try to figure out the best place to put it in the row? I'm experiencing the same thing, but with colors. Everything I've looked at today I have analyzed down to it's Illustrator roots, even going so far as to figure out how many color swatches it would take to make the best gradient or if something would work better as a blend. It's a sickness. It's also causing increased ADD and I wind up doing very rude things like taking apart printers when someone is telling me very serious sad news. And slightly less rude things like not giving the kind folks at the 'Bucks my coffee change but, c'mon, people! Coinstar doesn't take dollars.

Or writing posts that have no discernable point, like this one and pretty much every one before it.

But here is my still life illustration. I display it for you awesomely:

Be still like vegetables. Lay like broccoli.

I Heart Music

2005-02-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

February. 'Tis the month of hearts and roses... ah, l'amour! And one of the things I ah, l'amour the most is some bitchin' music. Bring it on:

American Music-- Violent Femmes
Angel of Music-- Phantom of the Opera
Can't Stop the Music-- Village People
Fight Music-- D12
Ghetto Musick-- Outkast
Good Music-- Joan Jett
I Can Hear Music-- Beach Boys
I Hear Music-- Billie Holiday
Let the Music (Lift You Up)-- Reba McEntire
Let the Music Play-- Barry White
Let the Music Play-- Shannon
Listen to the Music-- Doobie Brothers
Make Your Own Kind of Music-- Mama Cass
Music-- Madonna
Music Gets the Best of Me-- Sophie Ellis Bextor
Music is the Victim-- Scissor Sisters
Rock and Roll Music - Chuck Berry
Six String Music-- Jimmy Buffett
Dance to the Music-- Sly & the Family Stone
When I Hear Music-- Debbie Deb
Thank You for the Music-- ABBA

**An intense amount of thanks (INTENSE! Feel the stare of thanks upon you!) goes to:

Dem, Leo, Bean, Lushy, Cat, Jodi, Hudson, and this totally rad website that Eia found. They were all given the task of helping me assemble this 'all song titles must contain the word Music' chaos of a CD and I think they are the best. Intensely the best.

Rip. Slip. Brush.

2005-02-18T13:19:00.001-08:00

Ahhh.

Hee.

2005-02-17T09:08:00.000-08:00

When I ordered my copy of Harry Potter 6 in October, I didn't think I'd hear too much about it again until July. But yesterday I received an email telling me that it would not be available and I needed to look for it elsewhere. Eehh? That didn't make sense at all. I'm glad the people in charge thought so, too. This was part of the follow-up email I received this morning:

We assure you that howlers have been sent to the muggles responsible for this action and we are investigating the possibility that You-Know-Who may have been involved.

And There Went My Grade...

2005-02-15T15:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I told my teacher I thought he was a jerk. Smooove. And as the words "you're a jerk..." came out of my mouth I had a OHSHIT! ohshitgetafuckingfilter side thought and finished up with "... and that is just Awesome!" What? I have no idea.

But he laughed. Somewhat convincingly.

Man, I am so screwed.

Love.

2005-02-14T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone has a great VD.

Like Thoughts Through the Sieve of My Brain...

2005-02-11T10:12:00.000-08:00

How could you guys not have reminded me about my oh-so-radical-totally-incredible news?

Last Friday I was at Best Buy (and I totally scored the best buy ever, ps) and do you know who I saw?? Peter Reckell. Standing up in the Geek Squad area like a pushy, pushy customer.

Of course, at first I thought he was my old neighbor. Then assumed a Reality TV guy like one of the model-types from Amazing Race. But no. BO! I wonder if he was buying his daughter/mother/sister/lover a nice optical mouse?

You Got Some Smudge on Your Forehead

2005-02-09T08:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Ash Wednesday and Chinese New Year!

I'm only participating in one of these events today, but I'm doing it with gusto. Pa and I went to Church this morning at 6:30 for our smudging. Man, I'm good. At least, until it comes to the sacrifice portion of the season...

Yesterday I told type a that I was considering giving up calling other drivers on the freeway Nasty Twats. This morning? I said it twice, not 20 minutes out of Mass. Sadly, this is an improvement over last year when I thought I'd give up coffee and then left church and went to Java City. On to Plan B!

Red! Delicious!

2005-02-08T15:26:00.000-08:00

"God, that's the second apple I've seen and it's killing me!"

"Why?"

"Because I haven't had breakfast."

Dude? It's 3:30. I think you've missed more than breakfast. And also? Why don't you cry about it, you big drama baby.

The Dance-off Begins in 11 Minutes

2005-02-05T15:53:00.000-08:00

Hello? Guys? Is it still spinning? I mean, I know Earth spins, but... it's not spinning as fast as it was on Friday night, is it? No? Okay... phew.

Ooof.

Friday night was a great one. Early Saturday morning (and most of Saturday, actually) was not. Because perhaps better than a house warming is the house cooling; a party where your sole purpose is to drink because alcohol is too heavy to move. Leo and Dem, soon to be Home Owners (go escrow!), had us up for the evening to help out in the kicking o' the bottle. Let's begin, shall we?

Sharla, our Number One (#1!!) Jam girl was in the hizzy! Knox Knox jokes abound!

(Drink!)

And she just happened to have posters! With which she could point out the Fraudulent Jam (hello, the name of my next band) girls who are a disgrace to the uniform.

(Drink! Drink!!)

But not so many posters that she could go on signing all night. No. Who would get them would be decided with a dance off. Guys! A Dance Off!!

Now, I may need some help here... See, I don't actually remember their being a dance off. I remember Sharla checking the clock and declaring it starting in 11 minutes. I remember Leo and I started stretching. And then I got another re-fill. But there was no Girls Just Want to Have Fun-type competition. But when I hear 'Dance off' there is no controlling myself. I must perform!!

I also had some sly spin and slide moves that were not captured on film. And if that's not enough! There was a mighty engagement in 80s theme songs and movies. Demonstrations of proper Cobra Kai Dojo conduct were provided. Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

(Drink! Drink!! Drink!!)

So, being as I was the drunk obnox, and as I made an ass of myself as often as possible, I got an autographed poster-- I'm so honored!

Other things of note: There was an ill-advised shot of vodka had. Eia told me later that the minute she saw me take it she knew I would be sick. Umm... she was right. Also, I got my Merry Jingle present at the end of the night when Dem and I had a conversation in Spanish, or what probably passed for Spanish after too much Jack Daniels. AND! There was a brief video made of Jack and his clapping talents. But, as I care for my life, it will not be shown here. That, my friends, is restraint.

This bitch is cooled.

This Just In: I'm Not Heartless!!

2005-02-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

So, my teacher (yes! It's the return of the teacher who finally, after weeks and weeks of prodding, fixed my grade!)... I have him AGAIN and it's a subtle shade of misery I wear every Thursday. But today I was especially dreading class. Until we found out that my teacher is in the hospital and they don't know when he's getting out. Yikes.

But here's the good news: I care! I do! I really hope he gets better, even though I know it will mean another full quarter of the pedantic pontifications (with a puny peen). Isn't that good of me?

So the Fish Screwed Me

2005-02-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

As much as I would like to say sweet things about Beth, I'm skipping it for a time when I also don't want to hit her just a little bit. Because I know as soon as I post this I will think of 10 other songs that would fit each category so much better than what I have. Also, this is now the third time I've tried to finish this today and I've resorted to making up some answers.

1. Song that sounds like happy feels:
Dolly Parton's "Why'd You Come In Here (Looking Like That)." It has nothing to do with the lyrics, but the overall tone just cracks me up. I don't think there has been a time that I've heard that song and not laughed.

Leo Sayer's "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" and Tavares' "Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel" could also fall into this category for the similar reasons.

2. Earliest memory:
Lots of Irish music. Specifically, "All God's Creatures Got A Place in the Choir." The best part is that it still gets played in the house and when I was home a few weeks ago my dad and I sang it together. He gets his bass really low and it cracks me up just as much now as it did when I was 6.

3. Last CD you bought:
The Zuton's "Who Killed... the Zutons" and I am so impressed with myself for remembering that.

4. Reminds you of school:
Elementary School (I'm assuming this also includes Jr. High)
I don't think I understood music until I was about thirteen because why would anybody want to just sit there and listen to something when there was TV? Punky Brewster took precedence. But I do remember winning 2 tapes from doing magazine sales and choosing REM's Out of Time. The other tape was either Nelson or Wilson Phillips and right now I'm not prepared to let myself sort through those memories to figure out which.

Middle school was also the turning point for me because I started down the road to Reba. I doubt there is one person in my life from that time who wouldn't associate me with Reba because I made them all sick of her.

High School
Again with the Reba. A lot of Sarah McLachlan and Tracy Chapman's Fast Car over and over and over and over...

College
Sublime, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Barenaked Ladies and Dixie Chicks came into play, as well as about a thousand others I can't think of. There was also a huge Nelly Furtado uprising in my senior year.

Specific songs were Cisco's Thong Song and the Venga Boys' Venga Bus because I always misheard it and thought they were saying my name.

5. Total music files on your PC:
My parents have, courtesy of me, about 2,000. Home has about the same and work has 1,660 (and I cleared off 2 gigs last week).

6. Song for listening to repeatedly when depressed:
Cathie Ryan's Somewhere Along the Road and Kate Rusby's Who Will Sing Me Lullabies.. Anything Irish, actually, because it will do one of two things: Make me even more depressed because God can it be sad and haunting, or make me want to move my feet and get over it.

7. Song that sounds British, but isn't:
Zutons Pressure comes to mind... and if it wasn't for the fact that they actually are British, this might be an acceptable answer.

8. Song you love, band you hate:
I can't think of any. I'm pretty good at hating something and never going back, so I've probably protested potential songs on priciple. I do have some problems with both Garth Brooks and Van Morisson but get over it enough to enjoy their songs.

9. A favorite song from the past that took ages to track down:
Going back to the Irish songs from little-hood, my entire family has spent months searching for The Irish Rovers' Children of the Unicorn. What we eventually wound up doing was finding someone to transfer it off vinyl and onto CD. It's a horrible copy, but it's nice to have.

I also waited patiently for years for Disney to put the Pete's Dragon soundtrack out. I have it now and it's wonderful, but for some reason all of Red Button's lines are missing and it drives me crazy.

10. Bought the album for one good song:
I would actually have to look at my CDs to come up with the right answer for this, but I will admit (sadly) that I searched-- SEARCHED for the Parent Trap Soundtrack because I liked Nat King Cole's L-O-V-E. I don't know what was wrong with me- it's not like it's not on any other CD.

11. Worst Song to Get Stuck in your Head:
Baby Beluga. My sister taught her 1st grade class this song and she would come home singing it. When I went to visit her in school, I had 20 first graders screaming this song at me. And now its back again. Damnit!

12. Best song to dump a beer on someone's head to, then storm out of the bar?
My first thought after reading this question was of Grease. Why? Because thats how my brain works. I can't think past it now, though so there will be no answer for this question unless anyone will agree that Raining on Prom Night would work.

On a side note: I'm a big fan of storming out. I try to do it once a week if possible, even if I have no reason.

13. Who should do this next?
Holz and Bad Penguin

You Need to Tell Me These Things!!

2005-02-01T14:45:00.000-08:00

Excuse me, guys? Why hadn't anyone told me how FUCKING BRILLIANT Not Another Teen Movie is?? Brill. Absolutely.

Also brilliant is the new Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper commercial with the Mahna Mahna song. Even though the drink sounds like it A.) will rot my teeth in .02 seconds and B.) should be ordered at a coffee house with all the multisyllabic specifications, it might be on the 'must try' list.

What else haven't you shared with me?

Pole in Heart

2005-01-31T08:46:00.000-08:00

The January album loves you. Wouldn't you like to love it, too?

What Would You Say to Me-- Mary Chapin Carpenter
If I Were You-- Kasey Chambers
The World's Not Falling Apart- Dar Williams
Galileo-- Indigo Girls
Something Pretty-- Patrick Park
Rough Around the Edges-- Teitur
Obscurity Knocks-- Trashcan Sinatras
Truth Hurts-- The Honeymoon
Something Else-- Gary Jules
Lay Me Down-- Frames
Fotografía-- Juanes feat. Nelly Furtado
Out is Through-- Alanis Morissette
Call and Return (Say That You're into Me)-- Hellogoodbye
Popular Mechanics for Lovers-- Beulah
What About Everything-- Carbon Leaf
Not in this Life-- Natalie Merchant
Lullabye For a Stormy Night-- Vienna Teng

Dear Sleep,

2005-01-28T10:49:00.000-08:00

Please come back. I miss you.

Lovingly yours,
Tired of the Awaketude

I Am STILL Dying

2005-01-25T09:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Dem and I had a great email conversation, which I will share for all to see. Consider yourself warned, though. You might die by the end of it (hopefully; my perception is skewed by momentum and the fact that I think Dem is one of the funniest people on the planet so I'm pretty much laughing before I read what she has to say).

From: Me
To: Dem
Subject: Volcano X

I just had a nasty thought about how Volcano X kills black heads and then I thought about Malcom X and wondered if there was anything to be said that wouldn't be racist. I doubt it. This made me think of Reno 911 when Wiegel was very obviously going to say something racist and Jones stopped her, so she switch paths and said, "I was not going to say anything racist, I was going to say something in French. But you interrupted so now I won't. Want to hear it anyway? Au Bon Pain." And then she said something about a dog and it was funny, but I can't find that quote anywhere so that was strictly from memory and therefore filled with holes. I'm Swiss, baby!

That does nothing to lead me to my point, which is: Do you use Volcano-X 1-Day Acne Cream made with Organic Sulfur? Because Eia does and she's nearly out and its hard to find, but I found some and want to know if you need some, too. And that was a whole lotta reading for one silly question, so... Sorry.

Oh! And I don't think I'll be able to talk to Sharla anymore without looking at her REAL boobs. Thanks, Dem!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That is clever. Way to err on the side of caution re racism, though.

And: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Volcano X. I call it volcanox, like a play on Noxzema. A very weak play. I still have some left, but thank you so much for the kind offer. Where did you find it? I hear that Mother's wasn't delivering the last time Jodster looked.

Did you see that Sharla now has what Leo terms a "commanding lead".

xoxox

Herbal Remedies --Take that, Mother(s). I think this would make a lovely Valentine's day present for Eia, don't you? And just so I'm sure I'm biting correctly: is the correct mispronunciation Vol-Can-Nox?

Sharla is, indeed, kicking ass. I think Bunny and his engineers had a hand in getting her score up there.

SWAK!

I say "vawl-kay-nocks"

Actually, I just changed it. In light of discussion re Sharla, it's now volcaknockers

Volcanox-nox.

Who's there?

The knockers of the Most Jammin' Jam Girl, Sharla.

BaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHA

Bwahhh!

I just died. I'm dead. It was just too funny

It was a murder/suicide. Did we leave a note?

There's an entire e-paper trail. Problem is, any one who reads it will face the same fate. Because it's (wait for it) booby trapped.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Hooo, boy... if you're still alive-- thanks to any of you who voted yesterday; thanks to Sharla for letting us misuse her chest. Thanks to Eia for acting surprised when you get your oh-so-filled-with-love Valentine. And Dem? Thanks for killing me so often.

Passed to Me in Study Hall

2005-01-25T01:50:00.000-08:00

I received this email this morning and rather than paraphrasing, lets just hear what she has to say:

Ok, you are all seriously going to laugh at me, but I am asking you to take about 30 seconds out of your busy lives and go to www.lbjam.com and answer the survey on the left side of the home page that asks "Who's you favorite Jam Girl?" The survey started out innocently enough, but now the rest of the girls are getting all of their friends to go to the site & vote for them.... not to be left out of this junior-high-school-esque game, that's where this email comes in. I can't LOSE the popularity contest!!!!! :)

If you would like to honestly evaluate all of your options before you OF COURSE vote for me :) you can click on "Jam Girls" in the menu right above the survey & go down to the bottom of the page that comes up, where it says "Jam Girls Bios: Get to know your Jammin' Jam Girls!" And yes, it really does say that.

Thank you all so much.

-Sharla

Guys, this is the woman with the ingenuity to make a mojito with Altoids and the balls to actually drink it. And sure, she's winning right now-- quite rightly, but we need your help to make sure she is titled the Jammin'est Jam Girl that Ever Did Jam. So click on over and vote, why don't you?

Oh, and should any of you be curious? She is NOT KIDDING about the Dr Pepper. She and I had a little scenario a while ago involving dinge and scary men and pizza, but nothing would get in the way of Sharla and her DP. No, sir.

Geographology Was Never My Best Subject

2005-01-24T08:53:00.000-08:00

This morning in the office there was a question about sending some mail out. I said that the international packages (to England, Canada, etc...) needed special documentation since they were, y'know... International. This caused the debate as to if Canada really fell into that category. As this is the second time we've had this discussion, I'm taking it to you guys--

I'm not crazy, right? Canada is still a separate country from the US isn't it?

Tired is the new Drunk/

2005-01-21T04:55:00.000-08:00

See that think at the bottom of this post? The part where it says the time? Go ahead, talke a look. I'll wiat right here.

Iknow!! Can you believe? I'm not making this hsit up. That really is the tiem and I hav now boeen worokign on a presnetatino for school tomorrow afternoon (amd now writing a paper that goes wtih) for the past 7 hors. After I got out o f class, after I left work.

This presenation? Will be done by 4 peopel. The actual presentation? Done by me. Teh power point presentation of all the definitions? Done by another gitrl. The game-- a paoinstaking recreation of all the elements covered by the sectionof book we're doing? Me. the paper? ME. the candy? someone else. But I dont' trust her so 'im bringking some anyaway. The fourth girl is basically showing up and staleing my grade. She better not fuck it up.

The sad pard is that I really can't compalin about doing all this swork becuaus I VOLUNTEERED to do it. Becaiuse I'm pushy and contrloing and wnated it all done right. And I'm the only pwerson who knws how to do that, ever. so says my ego, wriing checks my pbody can't cash. Oy.

I have to finsih this paper now. I'm hot spell checking and all the crappy typing you just read is dueto the fact that It's 4:55 and I'm shaksy and cold.

TGIF

Getting Hit On

2005-01-20T15:25:00.000-08:00

Hudson and I work together and that is fabulous and fun for many reasons, not least of which is that we can take our frustrations and boredom out on each other. Which we do. In the form of punching. And that one time I hip checked her into the fake tree and she fell down, knocking it over in the process, but beautifully maintaining the bottle of water she had in an up-right position. That time was funny. But other than that one time when someone actually had the potential of getting hurt, it's all harmless hitting and round house kicks to the face (a technique I learned in Rex-Kwan Do).

This morning we had a staff meeting and another co-worker brought it up. All in good humor, but she failed to realize that the boss is Captain OverReactor and that created a fuss where no fuss was necessary. While I sat there, tight-lipped, Hudson tried to rationalize it and say that its not really "hitting" hitting and more like 'love pats'. It was a valiant effort... until we were told that we're not in kindergarten. (Oooh, burn on us, huh? FACE!)

And while there was a point to all of this at some time, all I can think to say now is that the spew-mouth best watch her back; these fists of fury have no breaks.

Internet Homework Assignment

2005-01-18T16:13:00.000-08:00

If anyone happens to have a hi-res picture of the flag of Nepal? I would really, really appreciate you sending it to me. By Thursday afternoon if possible.

Bear in mind that this is going to be a graded task.

Amateur Talent Night

2005-01-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

The last time my family ate at Islands, my brother and I each wrote down three phrases on the back of our coasters and these were the only three things we were allowed to say to each other. Shut up, it was fun. Especially when he would hold up his card that said 'Smack my bitch up' when talking about our mom.

This weekend we went back again and had fun composing a song about his poor footwear choices. I've been trying to help him along with this for a while now and he's gotten better, but the boy has some issues when it comes to properly dressing his feets. Sing along if you recognize the tune (and really, you'll recognize the tune):

And I guess that why they call you a tool
time in the g'rage with your stupid half shoes
Tearing up plastic, ripping up metal
wearing dumb white socks, so outta style...
And I guess that why they call you a tool

I know what you're thinking and you're right. It is a shame we don't eat out together more often.

Another Reason I Am Dumb

2005-01-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

I could make a list of things I've said and done this week that could show off my dumbassery, but I think this one might be my favorite:

This morning my brother called me to tell me my phone was at my parents house. I told him I figured that out last night because two of my alarms are set on it. He said "Yeah, we know that now, too."

And do you have any idea what I said? Any idea at all?

"Oh yeah. I guess I just didn't think they would go off if I wasn't around."

Thank you and goodnight!

Bah!

2005-01-14T09:02:00.000-08:00

This morning I was running late and didn't have time to make/stop for coffee. So, I decided that I would bring a packet of hot chocolate with me and make it at work. The whole drive in I was thinking about it and how good it was going to be-- chocolate for breakfast! And it was with great bounding steps that I got to the kitchen this morning only to find that I didn't bring hot chocolate with me at all. I brought taco seasoning.

Working Lunch

2005-01-13T13:44:00.000-08:00

Beer! At work! And we snuck it like 15 year olds trying not to get caught by our parents.

Because this afternoon we had a retirement luncheon in our office for a guy who doesn't ever eat. But apparently, he drinks. And there was beer. And everyone was afraid to touch it because curse ye who touch the beer in the workplace-- for ye be fired not long after. And then some pirate came. No, that's a lie. But the boss was not looking too favorably on the beer drinking so we had to do it undercover in our blue Solo cups (now contoured for easier handling), huddled in an office, pouring it out and looking over our shoulders.

And the moral of the story is that you should take the office beer when you can. Because not only do you look like the fierce rebel you are, you and your co-workers will have fun! At work! And you will laugh and talk about boys and for a moment, you'll all lose that feeling of being 'at work' and everyone will get along.

We are so lame-- its fabulous!

Climb that Mountain High

2005-01-11T13:28:00.000-08:00

There are certain people, introduced to me at a young age, for whom I will have an everlasting love: Bastain Bux, Ramona Quimby, and Pete, are a few, and then there's Reba McEntire. She, I will love forever and ever, Amen. And while I'm still clinging white knuckled to anything Beverly Cleary had to do with, it is with a heavy heart that I get rid of the Reba tapes that are warped and outdated.

That, friends, is the last shot before they go out: a leaning tower of Reba, 21 tapes high.

****************************
Confidential to everyone but the side of me that is trying to be responsible and get rid of that which I do not need: I have about 21 more on CD. What sick obsession has brought together, let no man put asunder.

8 Hours. 15 Minutes.

2005-01-10T09:21:00.000-08:00

Thats how long I was at home on Saturday, waiting for the cable company to arrive. (Yup, after 3 months of living there, we have decided that life without TV and the Internet really is no life at all.) Allow me to run it down for you...

9:15-- Call the cable company, request a window smaller than the previously given 10am-7pm. No joy. At the end of the conversation, say "well, I think that answers all my questions, thanks." and hear "Okay, do you have any more questions?" in response. Know then that today is going to be fabulous.

9:36-- Pick up computer from my parents' house. Forget important things like 'power cord.' Turn around and go back.

9:54-- Arrive home, frantically unpack computer in the rain.

10:47-- Finish setting up computer. Give myself a pat on the back because nothing exploded and it all seemingly works. Wonder when cable guy will arrive.

11:12-- "Dear cable guy, Everything's ready for you; you just need to show up... anytime now... I'll just be here. Waiting."

11:33-- Discover 'Jose's Eggnog Coffee' is not all it's cracked up to be. Blech.

12:15-- Finish watching Dodgeball. Move on to something more stimulating... Napoleon Dynamite.

1:34-- Wash the windows. Put together a shelf. Twiddle my thumbs for a bit. Discover food is at an all time low and go for the high class PB&J: toasted bread.

1:35-- Burn myself. Fucking toaster.

2:46-- Knock on the door! Not cable guy.

3:18-- Think about vacuuming, opt against it in case I don't hear the doorbell ring.

4:14-- Another knock, also not cable guy. But now Pa's here! Someone new!! Ohh, and he brought a drill and shiny new home things.

4:49-- Finished Princess Diaries 1 & 2 now... really think I need a tiara. Not made out of duct tape. And also cable... aaaaanytime now.

5:58-- Light switches, blinds, bathroom mirrors all installed. Seriously, where the hell is this dude.

6:15-- Cable Guy!! Bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy...

6:25-- Bathroom and closet shelving installed. Cable guy is on the phone, says something about construction? Missing lines? Choose to ignore it and hope the bad words go away.

6:43-- Cable guy leaves. No cable installed. No Internet installed. No new appointment for installation made.

6:44-- Cry.

6:46-- Beer.

Get Thee to the Fellowship!

2005-01-07T13:09:00.001-08:00

Thanks to Holz, I have been introduced to the Perry Bible Fellowship and have been laughing ever since. Check it out-- these comics are hysterical!

The Good, the Bad, and the Stumbly

2005-01-06T10:53:00.000-08:00

Well... that was fun wasn't it? I had a great time yesterday meeting some new folks here and elsewhere, so thanks Sheryl for getting us off our behinds to make the introductions. And money! I will actually pay double for every comment left AND will leave the comments open until that time I send a check.

But, with all of the fun, there was also a bit of bad news yesterday, too: Ollie found out that his infection is back... nicely incubating in his recently-surgeried spine. Yikes. He is back in the hospital for another operational de-bugging and all the doctor can say at this point is "This is NOT good." So, shitshitshit for that.

And, to round out the days activities, I spent 5 minutes on the phone trying to record a message for someone. First off? I don't really like recording myself. Especially when its a number that I have to call and will have to hear myself tell me that this person isn't in. Secondly, something is wrong with my brain-- I did about 20 takes of the recording because I couldn't get 'unavailable' and 'unable' unmixed. What I got was "He is unavel-- shit. (click.)" until a nice 'not able' compromise was reached... and then I gave the incorrect email. Haaaa.

Bu-bu-buut... Sheryl started it!

2005-01-05T09:39:00.001-08:00

C'mon, guys! Lets go jump off a cliff together! Everyone is doing it and we'll be soo totally outrageously cool! So come out o' the woods old lurkers, and leave me a comment tell me hello even though blogger is a pain in the ass and you hate it, but you love me and you know it.

And, like Sheryl, I will donate a dollar to the tsunami relief for every comment left-- even from the non-lurkies.

Getting Ink Done

2005-01-04T14:47:00.000-08:00

Hey! My favorite body art studio is having a tattoo sale! (Whoa. That whole sentence just sounds so weird.) So come one, come all and tell me what you think I should get. While you're at it? Sign up to hold my hand while it's gettin' did. Ow.

R-U-D-E C-A-C-T-U-S Spells Relief

2005-01-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

Chris has set up a Cafe Press store where all the good folk can buy RC swag and help out the disaster relief efforts in Asia. A visit there is a double dose of goodness as you can smugly Zero Tolerate the Asshats around you for not donating, while feeling good that you helped out yourself.

If you chose not to be a smug donator, check here for other ways to help:
American Red Cross
Unicef
Oxfam
United Nations World Food Programme
Music for Relief
BlogAid

Federal Prison Next Exit/ Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers

2005-01-03T14:01:00.000-08:00

The Phoenix was had, the New Year's was had, but surprisingly, the big beer was un-had. But that was due to the whiskey and champagne. And Guinness. And wine. And maybe, just maybe, a little too much cheese.

**The title for this post is in honor of the very best signage on the drive to Arizona. It narrowly beats out the billboard that reads: "I buy ugly houses!" Good times... good times.

T- 49.28

2004-12-29T22:32:00.000-08:00

Kiddies, I am taking my really big Christmas beer and heading out to Phoenix for the New Year festivities. Hope you all have a splendid one, full of friends and loved ones and kisses at midnight. Be smart, be safe, be good-- and I'll see ya in '05

I've Even Counted to 10

2004-12-29T21:46:00.000-08:00

I have held myself together fairly well I think. I haven't cried or hit anyone so I think that justifies me as being cool and calm about the situation. But now? I am very, very angry. I AM ANGRY. There. That was a good start.

Does everyone remember how I didn't sleep for weeks on end? Because I was in school and I wanted to do well? I feel those were hours spent well awake since, for the most part, I did do well. 4 As are good, but see... there's this teacher... we'll call him 'He with the bad back who has come back to bite she who was the smart-ass in the butt.' That jackhole has given me a C-. Scuzi? Scuzi?? How the... what the... I was at a loss when I read it. Because... Oh, hell no, thats not right. So I sent him an email to which he didn't respond for a week and then another to which he responded with this little gem, which probably won't seem as upsetting to you as it is to me, in which case I advise you to read it like you're a very stupid person who is very tiring, indeed (which we all know isn't true, but this guy begs to differ):

After Christmas, I will again check the records. I am suspecting that my records show you as not having all analyses/discussion questions (which accounts for the "-" portion)*. Likewise, my records will likely
not have up to Skill Exercise 6 shown**.

I will double-check. If this is the case (and not a straight data-entry error), I will ask to see your Progress Tracker (which I advised you to keep in case of just such an event***) to confirm that my records are wrong.

Much love,
Professor Dillhole

To which I say, "You, sir, are an ASS."

* I am missing 1. Out of a total of 11. If that counts for me getting the -? I am going to be angry.

**It's done and checked off. I even stood next to him as he checked it off in his records. Yup, ANGRY.

*** ANGRIER. Please note that on the Progress Tracker (™ Asshat) there were 4 exercises, tests, and other assignments scratched out because he was asking for an unreasonable amount of work to be done. Also note that out of a class of 25 students, there were 2 (two!/dos!/zwei!/due!) who were going to get an A. ...or, in light of recent events, so they thought. Also, again, 2/25? Lower the bar, dude. Also, again, again, it's after Christmas already-- I need an answer.

...pausing to exhale...

I feel a little better now. Thank you for letting me rant.

I Got the Fever, Baby.

2004-12-28T19:09:00.000-08:00

YAY! Christmas! 'Twas fun. I got a cheese grater and a really big beer. Oh, and a fire extinguisher. Because nothing says holiday cheer like the thought of you having to avoid incineration. I hope everyone else had a holly jolly, too. And that you got pretty presents having nothing to do with fire.

In the days since Christmas, I haven't done much. Our office is closed until after the new year and school is out until the week after that so I have a bucket of time on my hands. And while I'm really happy to not have to be anywhere or to do anything, or to even shower? When I have all these hours that a few months ago could have easily and happily been filled with doing absolutely nothing? I'm surprised to find myself a little bored.

But I have kept myself out of insanity by doing fun things like this:

I made pretty decorations! And you'll notice that there is a door knob there. Yup, I installed that shit ma'sel on Sunday. So far, so good, as nobody has gotten stuck inside. You can now hire me out for parties-- I will install things and serve shots all for a nominal fee!

Okay... You can hate me now for not having to work this week. But try and hate me a little less than normal because I promise I'm not enjoying it as much as I should. Thanks.

Lessons from the Shot Master

2004-12-22T13:48:00.000-08:00

Noticeably lacking in that last post was the mention of shots. And of the Shot Master. AKA? MEEEE. Here are a few lessons in how to make sure you are the bitchin'ist shot master ever.

1. Note that there are test tubes!! For in which to shoot shots! Immediately proclaim yourself Shot Master.

2. Befriend the local reindeer

3. And the man with the beard.

4. Show off kicky-fun hair since it just got 'did.

5. Get to work, already! Smile at the pretty people who take a shot.

6. Shout things like,"Drink it, you PUSSY!!!" to anyone who refuses a shot. Show scary neck to ensure seriousityness.

7. As well as drinking shots with people to make up for yelling at them, drink from the shot spigot as well. Don't get yer dirty mouth on it.

8. 200 shots later (10% taken by you), lick the hostess. If you must.

9. You did a good job. Sleep the next day for hours and hours and hours.

Drink it!

2004-12-21T16:11:00.000-08:00

This is a pretty good start for you will see how fantastic this party was that I went to on Friday.

And to see why I should technically be hungover until about tomorrow at 2:14pm PST.

And why I had to sleeeeep until 5:30 then next day and then, only got up because I had to go to another party.

And to show how, when determined, mojitos can be made, regardless of the fact that there is no mint. Because there were Altoids.

But it's not quite the whole story...

Banana Hammock of Invisibility

2004-12-20T09:48:00.000-08:00

Deck the Halls, yo.

Let's Go-- Trick Daddy
Slow Hands-- Interpol
Boulevard of Broken Dreams-- Green Day
Under the Gun-- The Killers
Pain-- Jimmy Eat World
Portland, Oregon-- Loretta Lynn feat. Jack White
Remember Me-- The Zutons
Lay Lady Lay-- Magnet feat. Gemma Hayes
The Blower's Daughter-- Damien Rice
Angeles-- Elliott Smith
All Good Naysayers, Speak Up! Or Forever Hold Your Peace!-- Sufjan Stevens
Jesus, etc.-- Wilco
You Wear the Sun-- Delays
On the Table-- A.C. Newman
Keep it Clean-- Camera Obscura
Untouchable Face-- Ani DiFranco
We Could Still Belong Together-- Lisa Loeb
Bright Future in Sales-- Fountains of Wayne
Goodnight and Go-- Imogen Heap
Drop the Pilot-- Mandy Moore
Creepin' In-- Norah Jones feat. Dolly Parton

This month's CD title is brought to you by Bunny. There was some wild and wacky times going on at Disneyland a few weeks ago including, but not limited to a demonstration of the No-Handed Clap, suggestions of BEASTiality, a Taco blow-out, and lots more (like the mention of the banana hammock of invisibility), fueled in part by pitchers and pitchers of margaritas. For those of you who are inexperienced in the ways of drunken Disneyland, I cry for you a little bit.

Closer.

2004-12-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

It's a foul-mouthed pretty-people documentary of how well people can screw (with) one another. I recommend NOT watching it with your parents.

When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best.

2004-12-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

Around this time two years ago, my sister decided that she had too much free time on her hands and wanted a second job. She was already working 10 hour days, mind you, but as she had been recently working 17 hour days, the extra 7 hours meant, to her, a significant amount of time to be used in a fruitful fashion.

At that time, I was working a 40 hour week plus taking a class 2 nights a week. I thought my time was filled just fine, thank you. But then! Then I see her, and she's working, and she makes it seem like she's got something figured out-- an extra job means extra money, which means less Christmas prezzy stress with some fairly mindless second jobbed input on her end. So you can see where this equation is going. Yup: x equals the difference of y less b over π (x = (y - b)/π). Or, wherein x equals me getting a second job as well. At Hallmark, which I thought was going to be a wonderful because Yay! Cards and ornaments! But no.

The first day, I was asked to dust the displays. The second day, I was told that I took too long dusting the day before, so now I would have to be timed. TIMED. And that I really shouldn't dust so much as I should wave the feather duster in the general direction of a display. (My supervisor sounded much like Lesley Ann Warren-- her "Fiiiiiiiive minutes!" was especially degrading and saccharine.) Then came time for me to learn how to use the vacuum. I had "Fiiiiiiiive minutes!" to go over the store. But only in a 'just get the big stuff' kind of way. This, I also did not do well, as I exceeded the time limit given. I figured, what with stopping for customer service and all, the 5 minutes was more of a suggestion. I was wrong. I was, however, commended on my stress management while working the cash register (there were 5 people in line at once, you see), but it seemed that my store beautification skills would be forever lacking. The last time I was asked to vacuum, I told her to start the timer as I went to get it. The last time I dusted, a model car suffered a drop from the high shelf. Oops!

About two weeks into the job, I was dreading going back to the store. Dread. I could summon not one single ounce of energy for it. More than anything, I just wanted to not show up and forget I ever worked there. Then Eia called. Having worked her flippin' ass off, she was tired and didn't want to go into work that night. Both of us were lamenting ever taking these jobs and suffering such guilt over not wanting to go in when we struck a deal-- I would call in sick for her, if she would call in and quit for me. Yes. I FELT SO BADLY ABOUT HATING THIS LAME JOB THAT I HAD TO HAVE MY SISTER CALL IN AND QUIT FOR ME. Not on my behalf, but to actually pretend she was me and say the words "I'm not coming back in anymore."

Yeah... I felt badly about that for about fiiiiiive minutes.

Ollie Ever Wanted...

2004-12-15T13:21:00.000-08:00

...was a back that worked. For extended periods of time, such as 'for life.' But Ollie has some screwed up vertebrae, and they refuse. For the past month he's been hanging out, being horizontal (it was he who finally got me to remember the difference between horizontal and vertical. It's simple logic-- whores lay on their backs). Some days are better than others, depending on how much he exerted himself the day before. Yesterday he said he was bored and wanted to get out a little. I took him to the grocery store, parked up close, walked into the first aisle, checked out, and went home. That wiped him out for a while and I suspect that today he'll be feeling pretty horrible. But it was about 8 minutes going somewhere other than from the bed to the bathroom so it may have been worth it.

The surgery for his back was planned for tomorrow; reliant on his infection culture coming back negative. So when the lab called on Friday? to say that they had accidentally run the wrong test on the culture? and that the culture was no longer usable? and could he please come in on Monday so they could get another one? we were pretty sure that his chances of having a clean bill of health by Thursday left of NEVER. It was a rather depressing weekend. But Monday rolled and they pushed it through and YAY!! Oliver gets to have surgery tomorrow! I have never been so excited for anyone to have an operation. Everyone think good thoughts that this goes well, okay? Thanks.

And in related back news: Last week my teacher told us he had a dislocated back. I told him he better find it soon. He didn't think this was funny, but my class thinks I'm HYSTERICAL.